Why do you suppose we equate dating with moving on or doing well? Can't we be doing well without dating? Am I the only whose stomach turns at the thought of dating?
I should stop reading Internet message boards. I just don't relate.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I'm a lousy blogger!
I'm about as bad at keeping this updated as I am at routinely journaling. I'm at almost 9 months out. I made it through what would have been our 10 year anniversary at the end of August, my birthday, dd's birthday and first day of nursery school. The start of school was definitely the hardest, because all I wanted to do was call dh at work and tell him that she was crying when I left. I knew what he's say and what his tone of voice would have been. He would have made me feel better. He always did.
I noticed a posting on ywbb.org asking widows and widowers if they still feel married. I struggle with this too. When our anniversary came and went I realized that I was ok celebrating the anniversary as a memory of the day we got married, but not as our 10 year anniversary. Like it or not, we never made it to 10 years. I'm not sure if I still feel married, but I am sure that right now there is no room in my heart for someone else. DH built my heart long ago and when he died it shattered. I need to rebuild it myself. Maybe there will be room for someone else someday, but there's no room now. Of course, I'm still wearing my ring, and DH's. Maybe that says something. Actually, the whole ring thing make me angry. My grandmother wore hers for thirty years after my grandfather died and I doubt anyone suggested she take hers off. She was 60 when he died. I think this is a question only posed to young widows, and truthfully, only a question or issue I've seen posted on the Internet.
I used to wake up in the morning, go outside and love the way the world looked and smelled early in the morning. I loved the community we lived in with it's neatly manicured lawns and kids walking to school. For a while after DH died I didn't see the beauty of the world around me and that really bothered me. I'm beginning to see glimpses of this beauty again. It's not like it used to be, but every once and a while I look at our tree-lined streets or at the moon and the stars and like what I see.
I still don't know where I go from here.
I noticed a posting on ywbb.org asking widows and widowers if they still feel married. I struggle with this too. When our anniversary came and went I realized that I was ok celebrating the anniversary as a memory of the day we got married, but not as our 10 year anniversary. Like it or not, we never made it to 10 years. I'm not sure if I still feel married, but I am sure that right now there is no room in my heart for someone else. DH built my heart long ago and when he died it shattered. I need to rebuild it myself. Maybe there will be room for someone else someday, but there's no room now. Of course, I'm still wearing my ring, and DH's. Maybe that says something. Actually, the whole ring thing make me angry. My grandmother wore hers for thirty years after my grandfather died and I doubt anyone suggested she take hers off. She was 60 when he died. I think this is a question only posed to young widows, and truthfully, only a question or issue I've seen posted on the Internet.
I used to wake up in the morning, go outside and love the way the world looked and smelled early in the morning. I loved the community we lived in with it's neatly manicured lawns and kids walking to school. For a while after DH died I didn't see the beauty of the world around me and that really bothered me. I'm beginning to see glimpses of this beauty again. It's not like it used to be, but every once and a while I look at our tree-lined streets or at the moon and the stars and like what I see.
I still don't know where I go from here.
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